Technical CV for Dummies

Whether it's a right decision to publish this or not, I don't know. But I know some of these turds happened to be so lucky. Anyway, I believe that some of us want to be employable for the rest of their motherf&**ng pathetic lives. So here's to your long-term job hunting portfolio. Making a believable(at least) Technical Profile.

Here are rules, not suggestions, for a Technical CV. But first, what is a Technical CV? or a Curricullum ViTAE? It is a piece of information that tells something about your technical skills or talents, the summary of how you solve problems, where in the real world did you apply your solutions, who are the living souls that can back your claims and the devils that you conspire with to get "brownie" points.

Regardless of how honest or dishonest your CV may be. You have to know some rules in order not to become obviously stupid.

1. Start with your Name just your name. No one cares about your title yet, remember this is technical CV. Unless you're in for some asskissing position, you can use salutations such as "Engr.", "Dr." etc. together with suffixes such as "Ph. D.", "MCSD", "SCJP", "RMI/IIOP" or whatever convent or monastery you came from. The top should only be populated with your plain full name. Because you'll be facing some intimidating questions along the way when you "flash your cards" early on and that's for sure.
   
2. List your tools starting from the one that you're using currently to the one that you have forgotten eons ago. Chronological arrangement is important because it is most likely that interview questions will be structured that way.
3. List your experiences, how you've used the tools you claim you're good at from the most recent gig up to whenever the first one was. Explain how did you use those tools and for what and how did the poor company you worked for benefited from it. Explain how you solved problems as a team member or as a team leader. Specify at some point how you demonstrated strong leadership.
   
4. Specify your education. Where did you learn your skills, how did you learn your skills, your certifications, your other pursuits of studies. Aaah this is where you are going to show your "scout badges". At this point you may hear exclamations like "Ow! So you're a PhD!" Yes, when you here something like that, it's like poker you're interviewer is already at the edge of his/her seat.
5. Some references or tell them you'll give them a signed statement from each upon request. The latter is more explosive.
6. Lastly, your contact information.

That's it. No more, no less. Maybe you're asking, "Why birthdays and other stuff are not included?". FYI, In some countries, it's illegal to ask candidates for age, sex, civil status, religion during the interview or even discuss about it. Some employers are cautious on CVs with such information and mostly likely it ends up on a shredder or someone else's ass. So make sure your CV is global-friendly. And why no pictures? Geez, if they ask for it then give it, if not then don't, because most likely they will delete it from the soft copy you just emailed to them.

And by the way, if you're CV is more like 8 pages or up...it's time for you retire. :))